When Ettore Bugatti acidly described Bentleys as “fast lorries” (being peeved because those lorries had acquired the irksome habit of beating his own dainty little Dinkies at Le Mans in the late 1920s), he might have been envisaging the Bentley Bentayga luxury performance SUV.

 
Neil Lyndon goes a bit soft rock for a week in the Bentley Bentayga
 
The first SUV from Derby-based, VW-owned Bentley is also the most expensive SUV in the world (for now) and the fastest (ditto). Beyond those firsts – which will soon be overtaken by 4x4s from Rolls-Royce and Lamborghini – the Bentayga is also the most in-your-face, functionally ugly SUV currently on the road. Approaching it from a distance when it was parked in the street, I genuinely did feel it had the outline of a commercial vehicle – setting aside a metre-wide latticed radiator grille that looks as if has been pieced together out of silver dollars. The only subtle line on its coachwork is an elegant crease that runs from the middle of the back doors over the rear wheel arches to the tail. Otherwise, this 17’ long, six feet high bruiser has all the civilised bashfulness of Tyson Fury.

The Bentayga thus fulfils the “lorry” end of Bugatti’s criticism but its acceleration from 0-60mph in four seconds and top speed of 187 mph also make it fast enough to have beaten any Bugatti at Le Mans. This fact alone would be sufficiently astounding in an all-terrain 4×4 that weighs over three tons. But the Bentayga goes further. It would not only reach almost 200 mph on the Mulsanne straight: it would also hold its shape and its line securely at speed through Indianapolis and Arnage.

Naturally, any large luxury performance SUV emerging from the VW Group is bound to draw upon large SUVs that carry the names of Audi and Porsche. The Bentayga derives from the Q7 and the Cayenne as surely as will the forthcoming Lamborghini Urus; but the particular advantage of the Bentayga – which is said to be 80% original – is to share the W12 TSI engine that is common throughout the Bentley range. Specially tweaked for the Bentayga and fired up by two parallel twin-scroll turbochargers, that giant six-litre lump puts out more than 600 bhp that surge through an eight-speed semi-automatic gearbox to permanent all-wheel drive.

An equally powerful diesel is now arriving and hybrids are promised. All will share the petrol version’s flabbergasting ability to go through a corner at speed without yawing, leaning and pitching like a North Sea trawler.